It's Friday. Sex?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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