he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
