i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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