final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
