I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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