So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
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She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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