I never want to see another naked old woman again.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
