Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
