He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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