i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
