Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
This baby is an asshole
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
