My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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