My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
