im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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