I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
we're so committed to being not committed
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
