I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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