he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
