well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
