they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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