true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
