Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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