Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
