Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
