I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
birth control should be required to get into college
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
