Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
