i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
