Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
