went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Randomize
