Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
