So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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