There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
