I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
