She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
