i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
