There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
