In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
