I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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