Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
