I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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