Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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