just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
