I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
