I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
