You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
