I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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