I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
