So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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