I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
