The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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