I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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