I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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