My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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