I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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