And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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