i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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