i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
