I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
